With Me In The Dark.

I suppose I am more acutely aware of the darkness within my own soul

and no longer consoled by the illusion of my own goodness.

Maybe His grace for us is exposed in the incomprehensible intimacy

experienced as He escorts us carefully into the darkest recesses of our own being,
His perfection gently exposing the terrors hidden there.

Recoiling, in one desperate panic stricken moment after another

as the realizations inflict near fatal impact,

disorientation reigns and a new kind of sighted blindness ensues.

Forever awakened, suddenly aware of the evil the self so faithfully nurtures.

Flail, lash, gnarl, and scream as the anguish of the truth overtakes

and when what fuels it is depleted and one rests defeated,

go ahead, attempt to Live or just live.

No longer burdened by the illusion of one's own goodness,
now fully hopeless, helpless, defeated

it is apparent that He is still here.

Lying bare now in desperate humility,

there is a new sensibility of His Grace.

It's become the only fuel capable of animating a life that's died.

And now, a new creation, a witness again and again

to human frailty's inevitable messy collide with completion,

my own and of those I walk alongside, is what remains.

Newly sighted now, but still blinded,

fragments of a glimpse of searing reality remain.

And still, He is here, now whispering...

Finally, lost with Peace, looking into the Face of Perfection
those dreams He's had for me sound real again
and I know I'm more alive than I've ever been!

Still there, now wrapped in His grip, a new bit of darkness reflected,
a noticeable strengthening wedge exposed from within me,
brokenness fashioned for precision separation.

As the heart quickens
this next terror is now consoled by my, now known, TRUE Need and
the excruciating gentle pressure of His restorative transforming touch.

I suppose I am more acutely aware of the darkness within my own soul

and now more consoled by the reality of His Goodness.

He's With Me In The Dark.

I Am Not Good.

"My Cajun grandma says that Godly women are wise and worth listening to; you are definitely one such person. Thanks for living out what God puts on your heart." -University Student

Encouragements are intensely important! They help us discover, understand, test and remember our value.

"You're awesome! You're super inviting to everyone and you're so real. You're open and not afraid to share your thoughts with anyone. I've learned a lot from ya over the past year. Love ya!" -University Student

There are times over the course of a year or a season of life that it's very easy to become discouraged, emotionally worn or suffer from various other forms of discontent. It doesn't take much to find these feelings creeping in. Sometimes, it's very sudden. I've found, my natural response is to become a bit sullen... or a lot. I tend to display a change outwardly, but don't take the risk involved in sharing my inner state with anyone directly. It's important for us, the Body of Christ, to take the narrower road in this area and begin opening up the vulnerable parts of who we are with others, with wisdom and abiding in truth. It's important to be unselfish with our own need, as it has power when surrendered into the hands of His Body and His Hand and we truly seek His answers and His fulfillment in return. Our weakness, after all, is an opportunity to display His strength.

"Out of everyone I've met in the past few years on campus, you are one of the people I am most thankful for. I am constantly thankful for your love, advice, conversation. I've never had someone willing to fill that role in my life before and you have taught me so much about life, faith and myself. You are a beautiful example of what it means to love people." -University Student

Here's a piece of truth. Not everyone is to be trusted. Not everyone cares for us deeply. Not everyone has the capacity within to receive us or listen or begin to understand... even when they really, really, really want to. Even when we really, really, really, want them to. I've learned that in hard ways, as I'm sure you have too.

It's okay to LET people be imperfect. You have permission to love them anyway. By that, I mean, you have permission to give them love. By that, I mean, you have permission to respond to them with mercy, grace and to seek understanding with regard to their behavior, attitudes, choices and beliefs. It's okay to listen, in fact, it's imperative that we become zealous about really listening to people... hearing them... learning to know them... seeking wisdom with regard to them. It's Love.

I have hurt people. I can't think of a time it's been intentional, but I have hurt people. Not listened. Not cared.

"You are amazing at listening to people and being able to let God speak through you. You're really chill and calm and amazing" -University Student

It's okay that we are not perfect. In fact, it's important that we are not perfect. It's the need to be made right that enables us to crave wisdom. It's the broken bits of us requiring us to need, that open our ears to our true sustenance. It's in these spots that we've found our well. It's this well that holds an endless supply of life. It's in the ravenous desperate dipping into this well that we find hope enough for ourselves and then it overflows into the lives of others.

It's not because I am good. It's because He is Good and He makes Good things and fixes things and makes them Good again.

I am a very broken vessel. Partly fixed. Still broken.

"You're great. Just great. I love seeing you when I'm walking around campus. I wish I could stop and talk more often. That first time was awesome and I'd love to connect like that again." -University Student

Selfish, Needy and Desperate at my core. Afraid. Vulnerable.

"You are such an awesome friend, encourager, supporter & challenger! I praise God for you, for your wisdom, your passion and love!" -Friend

It is my cracks that allow His glory and truth to be felt. It's Him radiating through my admitted and surrendered brokenness that people praise. Do you see... It's always been Him. It will always be Him.

Encouragements are intensely important! They help us discover, understand, test and remember our value. We are at our most precious when we are surrendered and vulnerable. Bold and Real. Inviting Life to flow through us.

If you are emotionally tired, discouraged or generally discontented, please...

 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2 Corinthians 12:8–10 

Not Destroyed.

Have you experienced that moment? The one that instantly redefines priority?

When there’s nothing left to give; no remnant of love at your disposal.  When the day turns to night and the light in your eye fades.  When hope seems to be a distant reality or maybe you’re beginning to believe it’s just a lie.  When the reservoir of power from within you fails or is depleted.  Or the tsunami hits. Or the knock on the door brings the realization of your worst nightmare.  Or the levee breaks. Or they leave. Or you meet the moment you’ve dreaded and the truth is out. Or you’ve just heard the truth and by all conventional wisdom you have every right to quit… to leave.  When every fear seems instantly confirmed, you truly are alone.  It is actually real you feel, no one breathing loves you… or they just can’t, the need, the pain, the loss, the confusion, the questions, the sorrow… it’s just too overwhelming.  This thing is too much.

What is that moment?

When it happens does life slow down?  Does it speed up?  Do questions flood your entire being or does anguish?  Can you even feel?  Do you fall empty and numb or does the intensity of reality create a tension whose origin is your deepest spot then like a lightning strike shocking every muscle in your body into the sharpest physical pain a human could ever know?

Is the moment slow…

                Is  time still…

Is this moment in real time but now constant, a never ending torture…

                Is time speeding by in a confusing blur?

What is this moment?  Can LIFE resume?  Or did I ever even really live?

There’s this place that is our default residence with false confidence and fake peace.  Our own little reality crafted and confined by the maximum amount of knowledge we possess, which at any given moment defines possibility and truth.  We are the masters of this reality that cannot be infringed upon as we stand guard over the deepest recesses of self, guarded by this protective illusion.  Like a child hiding under the impenetrable power of a cotton sheet when the fear of an imagined intruders knife is our new master.  Our reality askew, we trust and hope in the lies that are now our true god, and now in our own messiness and delusion a sick comfort in filth is found… as long as we are the god of it.  Tragically, humans can presume to wield God as though He’s their own possession within a desire to be more than we are on our own.  Deception and illusion of control our actual motivation for everything we pursue.  No peace, just chains.  No sight, just darkness, confusion and blindness.  No hope, just despair and disbelief.  No trust, only anxiety and desperation.  No rescue just condemnation.

And then there’s a moment.  A pause in time… or a quickening, surreal and ending, yet somehow an intensity of life never known before, the senses heightened creating a different place that looks unreal, new colors, new smells new sensations, new understanding. What is that moment? When it seems the world is over, our lives have shattered and there’s nothing more, then within the fragments of our own kingdom a glimpse of a reflection of magnificence never known before.  It catches the gaze of the hardest of hearts.  It entrances the soul and a beckoning ensues.  One more breath is taken and it’s true!  The air has new power and the body compelled to inhale it again.  It’s borrowed life, an accepted apprehensive rescuing, at least for that moment.  Breathe… Breathe again, and now it’s an experience of a new reality unbounded by human comprehension, a power unbridled and counter to everything ever known to be real a revolutionary new experience.

Is it possible there really is more than our maximum amount of knowledge?  In the times our maximum is proven inadequate, it has been seen.  Those moments reveal truths almost impossible to explain.  From the depths of pain comes the purity of Love, superhuman.  Within the pains of anguish, inadequacy and helplessness comes the answer of hope.  The voice, like a whisper on a gentle breeze, is only felt or heard in the stillness of that moment or in the sharp pain that jolts our guts into attention.

What about that question that looms… Maybe there is more?  Maybe the miracles we’re looking for come in our frailty.  Maybe for those who give Him permission when life locks us into His gaze, somehow willing to allow our lungs to be stretched when we are too tired and without strength; overwhelmed with burden and finally broken, finally willing to accept His resuscitation.

It’s the only way we finally, really know He… is not... the enemy.

"But God is the God of the waves and the billows, and they are still His when they come over us; and again and again we have proved that the overwhelming thing does not overwhelm. Once more by His interposition deliverance came. We were cast down, but not destroyed."  — Amy Carmichael

Not Destroyed.   

And then, an awakening, new eyes, new breath, new freedom, ridiculous love unbounded by self. New permissions and a willing embrace of new ways that stretch infinitely beyond our maximum and suddenly fuel dreams we didn’t know we had.  No more do lies withstand it.  His voice is now known and it speaks of truths not commonly understood.  It beckons us to actions in scenarios of hopelessness and strife, now filled with confidence having experienced the miraculous and having seen His face.  It explains things not known and stills the souls of those able to listen, while sustaining the trust in a God who is truly good, whose love truly has the power to erase any chasm between you and Him… between them and Him… between you and me… so we can be one, again.

What is that moment?

How big would God need to be to exist within our maximum amount of knowledge?

That’s not big enough to reach through my pain and it’s not big enough to answer my need and it’s not big enough to reach into the places of desperation I see behind your eyes.  It’s not big enough to fulfill these dreams or restore life or bring new hope.  It’s not big enough to love someone undeserving or surrender my rights. It’s not big enough to forgive.  It’s not big enough to be more than who I can already be.

But, in this moment, it’s plain to see that whatever I can be is not nearly enough.

So, how big would God need to be to handle your anger or your doubt?  How big does He need to be to absorb your worst punishment, your most intense question?  How big to handle all that you have to muster all you can dish out?  How big?

Are you tired?  Have you been depleted? Or do you love someone who is done? Is it your best friend, your spouse, your parent?  How big does He need to be?  Can I bring myself to let go of my own kingdom long enough to Believe He is who He says He is?

What is that moment that you realize your maximum is not enough?

Is it now?  Will you listen for the whisper on the faintest of breezes?  Will you breathe Him in… and again… and again? 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Not Destroyed.  Let Love Live.