I Am Not Good.

"My Cajun grandma says that Godly women are wise and worth listening to; you are definitely one such person. Thanks for living out what God puts on your heart." -University Student

Encouragements are intensely important! They help us discover, understand, test and remember our value.

"You're awesome! You're super inviting to everyone and you're so real. You're open and not afraid to share your thoughts with anyone. I've learned a lot from ya over the past year. Love ya!" -University Student

There are times over the course of a year or a season of life that it's very easy to become discouraged, emotionally worn or suffer from various other forms of discontent. It doesn't take much to find these feelings creeping in. Sometimes, it's very sudden. I've found, my natural response is to become a bit sullen... or a lot. I tend to display a change outwardly, but don't take the risk involved in sharing my inner state with anyone directly. It's important for us, the Body of Christ, to take the narrower road in this area and begin opening up the vulnerable parts of who we are with others, with wisdom and abiding in truth. It's important to be unselfish with our own need, as it has power when surrendered into the hands of His Body and His Hand and we truly seek His answers and His fulfillment in return. Our weakness, after all, is an opportunity to display His strength.

"Out of everyone I've met in the past few years on campus, you are one of the people I am most thankful for. I am constantly thankful for your love, advice, conversation. I've never had someone willing to fill that role in my life before and you have taught me so much about life, faith and myself. You are a beautiful example of what it means to love people." -University Student

Here's a piece of truth. Not everyone is to be trusted. Not everyone cares for us deeply. Not everyone has the capacity within to receive us or listen or begin to understand... even when they really, really, really want to. Even when we really, really, really, want them to. I've learned that in hard ways, as I'm sure you have too.

It's okay to LET people be imperfect. You have permission to love them anyway. By that, I mean, you have permission to give them love. By that, I mean, you have permission to respond to them with mercy, grace and to seek understanding with regard to their behavior, attitudes, choices and beliefs. It's okay to listen, in fact, it's imperative that we become zealous about really listening to people... hearing them... learning to know them... seeking wisdom with regard to them. It's Love.

I have hurt people. I can't think of a time it's been intentional, but I have hurt people. Not listened. Not cared.

"You are amazing at listening to people and being able to let God speak through you. You're really chill and calm and amazing" -University Student

It's okay that we are not perfect. In fact, it's important that we are not perfect. It's the need to be made right that enables us to crave wisdom. It's the broken bits of us requiring us to need, that open our ears to our true sustenance. It's in these spots that we've found our well. It's this well that holds an endless supply of life. It's in the ravenous desperate dipping into this well that we find hope enough for ourselves and then it overflows into the lives of others.

It's not because I am good. It's because He is Good and He makes Good things and fixes things and makes them Good again.

I am a very broken vessel. Partly fixed. Still broken.

"You're great. Just great. I love seeing you when I'm walking around campus. I wish I could stop and talk more often. That first time was awesome and I'd love to connect like that again." -University Student

Selfish, Needy and Desperate at my core. Afraid. Vulnerable.

"You are such an awesome friend, encourager, supporter & challenger! I praise God for you, for your wisdom, your passion and love!" -Friend

It is my cracks that allow His glory and truth to be felt. It's Him radiating through my admitted and surrendered brokenness that people praise. Do you see... It's always been Him. It will always be Him.

Encouragements are intensely important! They help us discover, understand, test and remember our value. We are at our most precious when we are surrendered and vulnerable. Bold and Real. Inviting Life to flow through us.

If you are emotionally tired, discouraged or generally discontented, please...

 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2 Corinthians 12:8–10 

New Pillar

Bombarded with choices.  Perceiving and sensing endless input... continuous interpretations of what is real and what is not.  Trusting impulses or Pursuing dreams or Clenching for ...?  If you don't Stand for something... you'll Fall for anything!

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. --1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV

Familiar?  KEEP READING!  There will be a twist.

I think Jr. High was my first encounter with this truth. Instantly, a very specific set of issues comes to mind. In short, it's the go to text and, for years, has really formulated the bottom line for why we should always choose to be careful with our bodies.  It's the reason we don't have sex, do drugs or do any number of other things that can or will result in harming our bodies!  In turn, it's a good motivator to take care of our bodies, exercise and eat right.  While taking nothing away from the value of this wisdom, recently my mind shot to a new, but not new place.

It's an old story about God's presence and leading in a time when His people were lost and in need.  They'd been liberated from Egypt and slavery and were following God around the desert. It was a time of complete reliance on God. He feed them where there was not food, He dwelt among them and He guided them literally by day and by night as a visible cloud and as a pillar of fire. (Exodus 13)

How great that must have been!  I imagine what it would have been to experience that level of tangible, visible, concrete and obvious presence of God.  To be without the question of where to go or when to go, but to wake up each morning or exist each day knowing as long as the cloud is still there or the pillar of fire is not moving you were in the right place.  Oh, my heart gets caught up in these ideas... imagining what it's like... this beautiful time of intimacy between God and His people, a holding of hands... a definite walking with and among... maybe a mirror of Eden even or a teaser of an ultimate perfect renewal! My mind lost, my imagination tickled with an excited hope at this glimpse into the character and desires of God.  This provision and intimacy.  This nurturing presence and comforting strength.  These people consuming Him and walking next to Him and even carrying Him along with them while literally following Him.  Seemingly, No guessing, No Seeking... Just Seeing and Doing!  Right?! Being and moving.  Simple.  Together.

How great would that be!?   Deep Sigh... Dreamy gaze...

STOP!  Realization...   WE ARE the NEW PILLARS!

Do you see it?

If we are starving and thirsty wanderers, it's because we have never realized that the Kingdom has come!  That there is a new reality and the desert is a mirage!

We are NOT wanderers, we are the NEW PILLARS of fire!  Our bodies are temples of The Holy Spirit of GOD!  A light of unparalleled hope and blinding Love bursts through us into WHATEVER place we are WHENEVER and ALL the time!  New Pillars!!  For such a time as this or that!  WE ARE NOT OUR OWN!  We've been bought at a price, given a new citizenship, reality and clear purpose.  The old way... gone and the new way... NOW.  The One who once burned in the desert a brilliant burning pillar now brightens and penetrates the entire earth as countless spots of light bursting forth from the body of every one of His... Everywhere!  US!

Do you not know?

You walk His light into every crevice of your existence.  It illuminates lives everywhere you are and shines on every person you are near.  We are NEW PILLARS of burning fire that consumes the very essence of darkness and need.  It brings the dead to life and honors God!

Yet we wander?  Why oh why do we pillage and scrape along side those who do not know?!

No light... No life.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. --1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV

Not Destroyed.

Have you experienced that moment? The one that instantly redefines priority?

When there’s nothing left to give; no remnant of love at your disposal.  When the day turns to night and the light in your eye fades.  When hope seems to be a distant reality or maybe you’re beginning to believe it’s just a lie.  When the reservoir of power from within you fails or is depleted.  Or the tsunami hits. Or the knock on the door brings the realization of your worst nightmare.  Or the levee breaks. Or they leave. Or you meet the moment you’ve dreaded and the truth is out. Or you’ve just heard the truth and by all conventional wisdom you have every right to quit… to leave.  When every fear seems instantly confirmed, you truly are alone.  It is actually real you feel, no one breathing loves you… or they just can’t, the need, the pain, the loss, the confusion, the questions, the sorrow… it’s just too overwhelming.  This thing is too much.

What is that moment?

When it happens does life slow down?  Does it speed up?  Do questions flood your entire being or does anguish?  Can you even feel?  Do you fall empty and numb or does the intensity of reality create a tension whose origin is your deepest spot then like a lightning strike shocking every muscle in your body into the sharpest physical pain a human could ever know?

Is the moment slow…

                Is  time still…

Is this moment in real time but now constant, a never ending torture…

                Is time speeding by in a confusing blur?

What is this moment?  Can LIFE resume?  Or did I ever even really live?

There’s this place that is our default residence with false confidence and fake peace.  Our own little reality crafted and confined by the maximum amount of knowledge we possess, which at any given moment defines possibility and truth.  We are the masters of this reality that cannot be infringed upon as we stand guard over the deepest recesses of self, guarded by this protective illusion.  Like a child hiding under the impenetrable power of a cotton sheet when the fear of an imagined intruders knife is our new master.  Our reality askew, we trust and hope in the lies that are now our true god, and now in our own messiness and delusion a sick comfort in filth is found… as long as we are the god of it.  Tragically, humans can presume to wield God as though He’s their own possession within a desire to be more than we are on our own.  Deception and illusion of control our actual motivation for everything we pursue.  No peace, just chains.  No sight, just darkness, confusion and blindness.  No hope, just despair and disbelief.  No trust, only anxiety and desperation.  No rescue just condemnation.

And then there’s a moment.  A pause in time… or a quickening, surreal and ending, yet somehow an intensity of life never known before, the senses heightened creating a different place that looks unreal, new colors, new smells new sensations, new understanding. What is that moment? When it seems the world is over, our lives have shattered and there’s nothing more, then within the fragments of our own kingdom a glimpse of a reflection of magnificence never known before.  It catches the gaze of the hardest of hearts.  It entrances the soul and a beckoning ensues.  One more breath is taken and it’s true!  The air has new power and the body compelled to inhale it again.  It’s borrowed life, an accepted apprehensive rescuing, at least for that moment.  Breathe… Breathe again, and now it’s an experience of a new reality unbounded by human comprehension, a power unbridled and counter to everything ever known to be real a revolutionary new experience.

Is it possible there really is more than our maximum amount of knowledge?  In the times our maximum is proven inadequate, it has been seen.  Those moments reveal truths almost impossible to explain.  From the depths of pain comes the purity of Love, superhuman.  Within the pains of anguish, inadequacy and helplessness comes the answer of hope.  The voice, like a whisper on a gentle breeze, is only felt or heard in the stillness of that moment or in the sharp pain that jolts our guts into attention.

What about that question that looms… Maybe there is more?  Maybe the miracles we’re looking for come in our frailty.  Maybe for those who give Him permission when life locks us into His gaze, somehow willing to allow our lungs to be stretched when we are too tired and without strength; overwhelmed with burden and finally broken, finally willing to accept His resuscitation.

It’s the only way we finally, really know He… is not... the enemy.

"But God is the God of the waves and the billows, and they are still His when they come over us; and again and again we have proved that the overwhelming thing does not overwhelm. Once more by His interposition deliverance came. We were cast down, but not destroyed."  — Amy Carmichael

Not Destroyed.   

And then, an awakening, new eyes, new breath, new freedom, ridiculous love unbounded by self. New permissions and a willing embrace of new ways that stretch infinitely beyond our maximum and suddenly fuel dreams we didn’t know we had.  No more do lies withstand it.  His voice is now known and it speaks of truths not commonly understood.  It beckons us to actions in scenarios of hopelessness and strife, now filled with confidence having experienced the miraculous and having seen His face.  It explains things not known and stills the souls of those able to listen, while sustaining the trust in a God who is truly good, whose love truly has the power to erase any chasm between you and Him… between them and Him… between you and me… so we can be one, again.

What is that moment?

How big would God need to be to exist within our maximum amount of knowledge?

That’s not big enough to reach through my pain and it’s not big enough to answer my need and it’s not big enough to reach into the places of desperation I see behind your eyes.  It’s not big enough to fulfill these dreams or restore life or bring new hope.  It’s not big enough to love someone undeserving or surrender my rights. It’s not big enough to forgive.  It’s not big enough to be more than who I can already be.

But, in this moment, it’s plain to see that whatever I can be is not nearly enough.

So, how big would God need to be to handle your anger or your doubt?  How big does He need to be to absorb your worst punishment, your most intense question?  How big to handle all that you have to muster all you can dish out?  How big?

Are you tired?  Have you been depleted? Or do you love someone who is done? Is it your best friend, your spouse, your parent?  How big does He need to be?  Can I bring myself to let go of my own kingdom long enough to Believe He is who He says He is?

What is that moment that you realize your maximum is not enough?

Is it now?  Will you listen for the whisper on the faintest of breezes?  Will you breathe Him in… and again… and again? 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Not Destroyed.  Let Love Live.

PRAYER?: Sifted.

What is prayer, really? Communication, connection, intimacy with God. How does community fit into it? It's something we NEED to learn. Do we have a clue what we are doing? There are clues in this quote by Jesus.

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat.

But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

-- Jesus, Luke 22:31-32

There are many questions about Satan and evil, especially on a university campus.  I don't begin to claim an understanding of the debates or all of the questions that start them.  I do ask questions, too.  There are different kinds of questions for God.  They all boil down to some form of Who, What, When, Where and especially Why.

When I read Jesus' quote, in context, I see more clues than questions.

They had all been having their Passover meal.  Some conversation had happened about one of them betraying Jesus.  Ironically, they all ended up betraying him to some degree not long after this.  So have we.  Most importantly, it's the things He's asked us to BE and DO that we've ignored.  The habit we have of leaving His side to walk on our own.  The times we let down those He'd have us Love.  The times we abandon His Kingdom for our own kingdom. It's interesting that the next conversation was about who is greatest among them.  Jesus straightens that out promptly!  The greatest is actually the one who serves... who gives Love away. Not the one reigning atop their own kingdom.  Then, 'You are those who have stood by me in my trials. And I confer on you a kingdom...'

Wait...

Stood by me in trials = confer on you a kingdom.  

Not leaving His side... Stand By.

Not Vacation... Trials.

Not your kingdom... His Kingdom!

His Way... His Kingdom... Is ultimately GOOD.  If it SEEMS it is not, then WE don't UNDERSTAND fully yet.  We do not see the whole picture.

We tend to abandon His Kingdom that He has conferred on us to pursue our own plans... for many reasons.  Oh, and having a Kingdom conferred on us is about responsibility, effort... LOVE... restoring others, sacrifice and the conferring comes by trial.

Then, our quote. "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat."  So, Satan asked to sift and apparently was given permission.  Trial?

"But, I have prayed for you, Simon"

If we are writing the story according to our expectations, God would stop the sifting because Jesus prayed for Simon.  And, if Simon still got sifted, then God must not exist... or He's just not powerful enough... or He just doesn't care.  The other side is that Simon didn't have enough faith... or Jesus didn't.  We tend to assume that Jesus prayed and so obviously He asked God to reject Satan's request and make Simon's path easy.

"But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail."

Let's change the way we think.  Open our eyes to His ways that are greater than ours.  Take a posture of discovery with God.  Learn from Him through the life of His Son.

Jesus, first of all, knew that Satan had asked to sift them...We should Ask God about people and situations with an expectation of gaining insight.  Jesus was ushering in a new life for humanity and He conveyed the watch and work to those who stand by Him in trials.  He is still with people in trials... if we are standing by Him, then we are too.

Jesus asked God to provide Simon faith that would withstand the sifting...

Trials, challenges, struggles, pain... these things strengthen us when we trust God through them.  We should Ask God to provide the Spiritual fruit and enable us and others to withstand the sifting.  It's all part of growing into who He intends us to be... DOing our part in a Kingdom for ALL people.

"And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

When you turn back...

Jesus knew Simon would turn back and He spoke to him with confidence and Love.
Turning, wandering, questions, doubts, distractions, failures, abandoning, denials...  It really is all part of the journey.  There will be times that you find yourself, Returning to Him.  Understand, though, failures and questions do not change our responsibility to one another.  It doesn't make us worthless or powerless.  There is a standing invitation to turn back and your purpose and identity in Christ remains.  In all of it, we are works in progress and God has promised to see us to completion.  So, persevere and let God lead your thinking and your dreams and you'll know your purpose.