Courage, Weakness and Approval

This is an account of my own searching, seeking and a glimpse into the thoughts and processes of thought I went through recently as I tried to glean some sense of understanding about what was happening within. This is shared with an attitude of humility and discovery.  If we are honest, we are all just trying to make sense of things as we go.  Welcome to a few moments of my ride.

Father sent me a friend a few years ago. The timing was no accident. I was stepping up to step off the boat into the water where my Lord was calling me. I'd been in the water before. I was afraid, felt weak and was uncertain. The Father used many people during this time. In fact, one of the ways I knew which side of the boat to step off, was others pointing my way. There is a special role that one person filled. Because my life is made up of stories and characters that are real and leave marks, I had need and couldn't admit it or understand it. The Father knows how to love us through others and enable our mission in spite of our humanness and that of those around us. It is in looking back now, that realizations and understanding flourish.

He was...

Sent to give Courage.
Sent to share Weakness.
Sent to affirm Father's Approval.
And,a myriad of other things I haven't understood yet.

In the time since learning of his death, I have processed a lot. I have experienced a deeper seriousness about trust and the fleeting moments we have with people. It's not just in death that this is true, it's also in the moving on of life. What is beautiful is nothing has or will remove the powerful things he delivered into my life. When I cry alone, feel afraid, need to believe I can do it... the Spirit reminds me of how this friend Loved me with insight, discernment and wisdom. He came alongside me and pastored me like no one else would or could and the only time we stood in a church together was at a funeral in support of a mutual friend. He saw me with the Father's eyes and I will cherish the result of his obedience forever.

Last night, I found out there will be a memorial service soon. This morning as I began to work, I got captured in a flood of thoughts and suck and it was as if I was spinning, just confused and then ready to fight and then slumped over and then determined all at once and not at all.

There is another way I feel sometimes. Weak. When someone comes along that gets your need and has experienced need and stands on the other side of it nearby and looks at you with the Father's eyes it instills a power and hope and strength that is unrivaled. They made it through a tough thing, they know you did too and the connection that comes from shared understanding and wisdom bonds and creates a synergy that wakes the dead.

It can be hard to stay alive sometimes.

Walking among the dead.

I need that kind of alive that meets my particular weakness embodied near me... warm... aware... ready...

Ones who can See and who will be brave enough to let it be known.

Truth is... I find they are few and far between. and that Makes me feel Fear.

I KNOW the Fear is based on illusionary truths, but I need real alive people to help me remember I am NOT Alone. That I can Carry On. That I won't walk dead again, or die overcome by those shared weaknesses. To feel the warmth of living, breathing new life.

More than any of that. The thought of those around me coming alive. The eyes I see that see me back with an acute awareness that heightens the senses somehow. The subtle aroma of life or the slight brightness of vision or the words said with unique understanding. I can't describe their beauty or the affection I instantly have for them. This unity and oneness brings hope to the dream becoming real. That soon we will all walk again in ways I can't even imagine.

But, what if their Weakness once conquered retakes them?
What if their flesh grows cold and their eyes dim once again?

Fear.

I cry alone, again, but I have to go do work! How will I do the work? Father, I need you.

It should not end here, but it does too many times. We can't allow life to distract us from seeing one another. We can't trust the influences of fear with our lives. We have to be courageous, we must persevere, we must stand tall and walk forward united and unwavering. Jesus made this true and possible and individually we are only a piece of him. We need the bonding of souls that makes us walk this earth in such a way that makes Him and His Kingdom real when we feel the horror of the shade.

Invictus

by William Ernest Henley 

Out of the night that covers me, 

black as the pit from pole to pole; 

I thank whatever Gods may be, 

for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,

I have not winced nor cried aloud;

under the bludgeonings of chance,

my hand is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade;

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

how charge with punishment the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.. 

My friend helped me sense the reality of the whole story. We are in battle, no question! But, WE are indeed in battle. WE equals Jesus still battling on through us together, in us together, for us together... bonded come what may, no matter whatever! The echoes of the voices of the saints call out with authority and resolve in one voice, miraculously His voice, a King. The King Who shares my weakness and whose voice is also mine with you... Where are you? One fate, One soul, with me. Never to die again.

So, no matter what forces may rage and how many fall at our feet, WE must belong to one another come what may. No matter what has been. And I will keep going, til I find you and we will find them.

I will not be afraid to hope for the longings He's placed in my soul.